Discomfort in Accountability

I would say I’m a generally inconsistent person. I’m good at keeping things up for a short, but intense, period of time but keeping things up for a long time is more challenging. Recently, I was invited to join an accountability program.

I felt really uncomfortable about it, hesitant to do it. That’s how I knew it’s what I needed. Why else would I be hesitant to be held accountable? Sure I could deflect it by saying I didn’t feel comfortable holding others accountable but that’s just not true. If what you need from me to improve is for me to hold you accountable, I would do it.

No, I was just scared of being held accountable. Because to be held accountable means to inevitably admit failure and that’s a rough ride for me. I’m working on how much I hate failure. I’m constantly reminding myself that failure is always part of the success story. I know, deep in my gut, I can’t have success without failure.

But it still makes me queasy and uncomfortable thinking about it much less embrace it. So, joining an accountability program was a huge and uncomfortable step for me. Participating in it has been a whole other experience in discomfort.

It turns out that the more I do stuff like this, the more I’m learning to tune in when I’m feeling uncomfortable, hesitant, or avoidant about something. Before, I just used to see those feelings as red flags to run away but now I see them as invitations to dive in deep.

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