Today got away from me. I spent the day watching Queer Eye, cleaning the house, and planning inventory purchases. Inventory always takes me way more time than I think it will. Cleaning the house usually takes less time than I think it will.
I love Queer Eye. It really makes me see people in a good way. Everyone really has their own struggles. But, I really love Queer Eye because it reminds me I have more work to do on myself and I deserve it too.
I have work to do in every part of my life. The way I care for myself, the way I care for my home, the way I care for my body, and on and on. Before, that used to drive me crazy. I would be so frustrated that I had so much more work ahead of me. I doubted my abilities to even get to a place I felt I should be at already.
I have a tendency to do this a lot in a lot of aspects of my life. I learn a better way of doing something, for example, and I get furious with myself that I haven’t been doing it that way the entire time. And then, I get frustrated even more if it’s not a simple thing to fix.
How on earth could I possibly get mad at myself for not doing things I didn’t know I could be doing? I could’ve asked? I mean, yeah, but I can’t control what my brain imagines on its own, I don’t think.
And yet, I’m shifting towards this place where I’m trying to be ok with not having it figured out. Today, watching Queer Eye, I could start to feel the guilt creeping in and the shame and the frustration. Queer Eye brings up a lot of emotions in me, especially in the self-care/clothing/health arenas. I know I’m not very kind to myself in the deep levels where it actually counts. I know I don’t do my best to even try to make better choices. I know the choices I’m supposed to be making, or could be making, but I’m just not really making them.
I saw Jonathan suggest to a woman to try and go to a salon only three times a year as a bare minimum. I barely go once a year. Sometimes, I go longer than that. Can’t remember the last time I actually went- was it this February or last?
And there’s so much more than hair. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. And realizing the neglect exists, I start to think about why and that’s when the pain starts. Look, the fact is that I was really messed with during a critical developmental phase of my life. And it took root and started this belief in me that if I just stopped trying to be pretty and stopped thinking I was pretty, people would leave me alone. And so I became the not pretty one. And it’s such a deep part of my identity now.
Look I’m not trying to get pity here. It is what it is and there’s no such thing as mistakes. I’m just being honest about what’s up with me.
Deep rooted mindsets exist for more than one part of my life. There are some i haven’t quite completely cracked just yet. There are likely some I haven’t figured out even exist. But I know they’re there and that they gotta get fixed because they’re holding me back from lots of things including exercising regularly and keeping my bedroom tidy.
Now, if I could just figure out how to crack the mindset about being pretty, that’d be a great start.